STEAMY December 14, 2005 Written by Jay Jacobson This temporary apartment is really damn cold. Outright frigid at times. I do not know what the deal is... the place is comfortably warm at night and in the morning (when it is coldest outside), but in the late-morning through evening, it is practically a meat locker in here. I swear it is warmer outside than it is inside, which I have now scientifically proven by opening the window to let in some of the warmth of the 50-degree air from outside. Earlier, in an attempt to hold back the ice age, I turned on the stove's broiler and opened the oven door. While it did bring a bit of comfort to the room, it also made the whole place smell like gas. Not ideal. I know, you are thinking, "hey, genius, turn on the heater!" Yeah, right. This place has some heating (using that term very loosely) method called "steam heat." I do not know what the hell that is, but I can assure you it is neither "steamy" nor "hot." It does mean there is a big honking radiator-looking contraption in the corner of the living room (okay, it does not actually honk, but I would find it more entertaining if it did). Next to the radiator is a single knob. The whole thing looks to be about as technologically advanced as a drinking straw (yes, I know drinking straws are shockingly advanced, but I would not want to use one to prevent freezing). I mustered up a little common sense and turned the knob several twists to open the valve. No heat. No magic. No blowtorch yielding elves appeared. I am the first to admit that I do not know anything about HVAC, but I am confident in my ability to turn a damn knob. Although, considering that I know what HVAC actually means, I probably know more about it than most humans. Anyway, back to the (non)steam (non)heat bundle of joy tauntingly decorating the corner of the living room. Maybe the big secret is that one is supposed to vigorously turn the knob, getting steamed that the thing is not working, and getting heated from all of the exercise. Perhaps I am supposed to actually light the radiator on fire. Not only would a blaze of glory heat the apartment nicely, but it would also teach that stupid radiator a lesson for screwing with me. I am trying to be optimistic with this thing, but hey, the radiator is asking for it. I think it is now giving me funny looks and laughing. That evil radiator is just asking for an ass whoopin'. The experience is not without its benefits. I can turn on the scorching hot shower to make a sauna, I am getting quite skilled at the art of ice sculpture from the comfort of my own couch, and I can make a nice skating rink by just dumping some water on the kitchen floor. A bit later I am going to experiment with the effects of sub-zero-Kelvin temperatures on electron propagation. More of my Bay Adventures: http://kinetic.org/bay-adventure/ My website: http://kinetic.org/